Throwing Eric
I was visiting the Buffalo Zoo today and thought that it would be cool to stop by and see the cute little monkeys. When I got to the monkey cage I could hear that they were really excited. In fact, they were mad. I was trying to figure out what had gotten them so pissed when I noticed someone lying in the back of their cage, obviously injured. He, or she, was flailing around on the ground like their face was being eaten or something. I was very concerned so I called a security guard. He ran into the monkey's cage but was quickly pelted by whatever they were hurling at each other. Soon, we realized that they were throwing poop at each other! Oh now, monkeys throwing poop. It was a horrible site to behold. We fought our way through wild, poop-flinging monkeys to get to the poor man thrashing on the ground. Monkeys were crowded around his head. We had to beat them away before we realized what had happened...
IT WAS ERIC! Eric was being mauled by monkeys. But why? Oh no, they are ripping off parts of his head to use as ammunition to throw at each other.
I don't know if there is much more to tell about this situation. Monkeys flinging Eric's head bits at one another. Just imagine that.
Authorities Baffled
Workers at the Village of Warsaw Human Waste Treatment plant today were individually interviewed by authories as tons of raw sewage has gone missing from the facility over the past several days. While no charges have been officially pressed at this time, Internet Blogging Phenom Blogging Eric is being held at Wyoming County Jail pending further questioning. Police say that they have no hard evidence at this time but a tip from the popular Internet site EricTheUrinalCakeHead lead them to the suspect.
We were unable to get the mayor to speak with us but close aids say that he is getting involved personally and that he "is not going to let this get put on the back burner." The mayor said that too much fecal matter has gone missing here in Warsaw and in other nearby towns such as Perry, Geneseo, Livonia, Groveland and Pavilion for this to be simply coincidence. He is conviced that we have found the culprit and he will use all of his influence to make sure that this situation is brought to a head.
Susy Johnston of Silver Springs was interviewed while leaving the Big M on Main St. in Warsaw: "I hope they can prove that he did it. I worry about someone sneaking into my house looking for an unflushed toilet every night. I try to flush, you understand, but sometimes I forget. You don't want to have to worry about things like that. We moved to the country so that we would feel safe. But with my husband never even putting the seat down, we feel that we are at a particular risk!"
Susy isn't alone. Other local inhabintants expressed similar worries over the string of recent poop thefts taking place in the area. "Are shit just ain't safe anymore." [Ed. We assume that this speaker meant OUR shit but he actually referred to ARE shit.] And another said "How are we supposed to sleep at night if we have to keep covering our asses like this?"
We can only hope that the police will know what to do and will have the resources necessary to carry out their mandate to protect the communities of western and upstate NY.
Breaking News...
This just in: Eric is a poop eating, monkey loving, donkey flogging, bow legged son of a cross legged scorpion. And, most importantly, he loves POOP! No, really, its true. Eric actually LIKES poop. Just ask him.
Eric is a MASSIVE POOP HEAD!!!
A lot of you out there might not know this but Eric is actually a completely normal person with a massively giant TURD instead of a head.
